Saturday, August 14, 2010

My first trimester...

...was torturous. To be perfectly transparent. Hence why I’ve been MIA in cyberspace. Seriously, checking facebook and happy blog entries made me feel that much more terminal, so I stopped. I thought if I were to do status updates they might cancel my facebook account. They would have read something like, “Hating life today. And all people enjoying food.” Or “Feeling like I am on chemo-therapy. Can’t. Stop. Gagging.” I had originally written a long entry detailing how horrible it was and it makes me sick just reading it, so instead, I will just say it was really really bad. And now that I am in my 15th week,the nausea has lessened, but I am not symptom-free. Believe me, I’ll take this over the prior, but I still don’t feel entirely human. I have been working through a lot of dashed hope and expectation, as I've always imagined pregnancy to be the happiest time in my life, but it has actually been just the opposite. Being so sick and not enjoying pregnancy has been a big let down for me. I am working through the disappointment and finding deep gratitude for the fact that I am going to be a mother, my life-long dream. I am also learning to be honest with what I am truly feeling.

On a lighter note, there is one very happy thing going on now! I am beginning to look at fabric! We don’t know the sex of the baby yet, we’ll find out late September. BUT there hasn’t been a girl born to Stephen’s side of the family in like 30 years, and in that the man controls the sex of the baby, I’m thinking we’re gonna have a boy (even though I really want a girl that I can cutiefy). Here are the boy fabrics that I am most crazy about:








While I can't feel the baby yet, our most recent sonogram showed the little one moving back and forth, waving with full fingers and kicking with full toes. Now that was an amazing moment. And yes, I cried a lot, feeling so grateful that I am not so sick in vain. And it really hit me at the fact that "I" am this baby's mother, this baby will never have another mother. Profound and scary thought to me. Wow....

12 comments:

Rhonda said...

Love the rockets and the yellow fabric underneath it.
Praying you start feeling A LOT better and SOON.

Christy said...

Oh I love the fabric as well, so cute. Isn't it exciting and scary and thrilling all at the same time to think of being a mama? Oh there are days when I wonder what I got myself and our girls into but then they do something and I get that lump that I can't swallow down in my throat and I know I am on the exact mission field God wants me to be on. Feel better friend.

Jessica said...

It's so good to see you typing again :) I'm SO SO SO sorry you have been so very sick. You had the extreme ick of pregnancy. I just hope you feel better soon and you really start to enjoy it :)

My favorite fabric is the yellow on the bottom... love it.

I'm so excited that you're gonna be a mama! You've been preparing your whole life for this, you will be wonderful :)

Jenni said...

Crystal! I love your blog and never comment, but wanted to say congratulations on the upcoming little one. So happy for you, and happy you're feeling better.

Kathie said...

So blessed to read your honest journey AND to see that adorable fishy fabric! Thanks for the little tears that crept to my eyes and a joy that yes, indeed, this little one will have no other mother than YOU! Thanks, Lord!

Amy said...

I've been wondering how you were! Oh, sweetie. I am sorry it's been so tough. I've been sick with all three (though it sounds like it's been tougher for you!) and it gets to a point when you forget what "normal" feels like.

Praying for you! Bless your sweet, mama-to-be, queasy, gorgeous heart. (And btw, my personal theory is that baby girls in the tummy make the mom sicker. At least it was for me. But ya never know!)

Crystal said...

Thank you ladies =).

Amy, it's so good to know that other people have felt completely miserable. I would literally wake up in the mornings and say to myself, "Something's wrong with me. Something's really wrong with me."

Jody said...

Congrats Crystal! I've had 2 close friends with puking for 20-30 weeks, and it's really, REALLY hard.
So glad you're beginning to get some respite.
Many, many blessing as you begin this surprising journey!

Edward and Gretchen said...

I had all day sickness with all 4 pregnancies that didn't let up until 20 weeks then I still puked daily until 30 weeks. 40 weeks with baby #3. Nothing helped! Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but plan to do it again. I can honestly say I love being pregnant, love the feeling of life growing inside of me, love labor and childbirth, love parenting.

Congratulations to you! I pray your energy will be restored and the remainder of your pregnancy will be less eventful than the first trimester.

Gretchen

juliehayman said...

Thought I'd stop by to see what your latest project was! I had no idea it would be something so incredible. I'm so, so happy you're going to be somebody's mama...but so, so sad that you feel like @$#%. Hoping that the sickness subsides and that pure awesomeness takes its place. :)

Allyson Hill said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Wow, I have a lot of catching up to do on your blog!!! You have been very creative lately : ) : ) : ) CONGRATULATIONS!

peep into my world said...

I'm always curious to know how mothers are doing when they are pregnant. I'm sorry that your first trimester wasn't has great has you hoped for. :( But the wonderful thing is that you have a little life in your belly! How exciting! Congratulations on the soon coming new addition! You will be a wonderful mama. :)